|
Ann’s
Testimony
Can you imagine a childhood without a
Christmas tree, birthday cake or an Easter feast? Every child raised as a
Jehovah’s Witness in the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society can answer yes to
that question. Instead of opening Valentine’s cards teachers escorted me out
into the cold school hallway to sit on the floor for the duration of the
celebration. Considering the average public school elementary class is about
20-25 students, that adds up to about 3 birthday parties per month - another
couple of hours in the hallway. Throw in the various holiday projects, songs,
inappropriate books being read and celebrations and that adds up to a great deal
of sitting on a cold, lonely floor on the other side of the classroom door!
Although it was difficult to be separated and excluded from my classmates I
truly believed what I was taught at home-that I was doing the will of God and
they would all die for eating that holiday cookie. This is my story as I
remember it. I may have gotten dates or little facts wrong, and if so I do
apologize. I have tried my best to be as accurate as possible.
Childhood
The first time that I came into contact
with the Watchtower world was on a rainy Saturday morning when I was preschool
age. Everyone else in the family was out or asleep, so I answered the door.
There were two ladies there with big bags towering in the doorway smiling and
asking me to get my mom. I told them she was asleep so they just came on in!
They sat down at the kitchen table and one of the women put me in her lap and
read a bible story to me. I really enjoyed that as it reminded me of Sunday
school at the neighborhood church where we attended for awhile. This became a
weekly Saturday ritual. They would ask me questions about my family and I am
sure that I answered in vivid detail, as I was known for my talkative nature.
After some time, my mom started sitting in on the discussions, and soon my dad
joined her as well. We slowly stopped celebrating holidays and birthdays. Within
a year or two, they were baptized as Jehovah’s Witnesses and regular attendees
of the meetings, as well as door-to-door service. This caused a great deal of
friction with the neighbors, as my parents told them all that they couldn’t be
friends with them anymore since they weren’t Jehovah’s Witnesses. They also told
them they would all die in Armageddon unless they converted to the “Truth.“
Soon, I wasn’t allowed to play with my childhood playmates anymore. My dad built
a tall fence and we were ordered to stay inside it, instead of running freely in
the neighborhood like before. Their form of discipline with my brother and I
became less emotional and harsh, and they began to use more reasoning and
scripture. Friendships with Jehovah’s Witnesses were allowed, but not as often
as we were busy with meetings and door-to-door which left little time for
socializing. The rare overnighters at other Jehovah’s Witnesses houses were
often disturbing as there was a great deal of physical, sexual and emotional
abuse in many of the families that I visited. For example, one of my close
friends would have to get up in the middle of the night and meet her dad in his
study for “Greek” lessons. It always resulted in her returning shaking and
crying, not wanting to talk about it. Another family the father beat the mother
in front of me and on one occasion had her pinned over the washing machine with
a knife to her throat. My family didn’t act this way with each other, but I knew
enough not to talk about it with my parents, as these men were leaders in the
Watchtower and my dad’s superiors. My best friend happened to be the CO’s
daughter, and she was in the habit of lording this over the other children. She
would often get her way with the other children by threatening to tell her
father lies about us, so we would get disfellowshipped. As we were just children
we didn’t understand the process of disfellowshipping yet, we just knew it was
the worst thing ever, and the same as being dead. So she always got her way. We
also understood her father had the power to do this to us, so often went along
with her blackmail schemes, and she always got her way.
Cutting Off the
Family Ties
The most profound change was with my dad’s
family. They were devout born-again Christians and very upset about my parent’s
conversion. On our visits they would all sit and fight about the Bible for
hours. One day I was in my grandma’s den reading books and I found one on
Jehovah’s Witnesses. As I was reading it I noticed that it was talking about all
the lies they had told in the past. Well, my parents walked in and caught me
with it. It was wild after that. Lots of yelling and fighting with words like
apostasy and cult being thrown around amongst the grown-ups. It was soon after
that we stopped visiting as much. After a rocky decade of silencing and
fighting, we went to my grandma’s funeral and my parents wouldn’t sit in the
family section as it was in a “church.” Witnesses are taught that churches are
temples of “The Great Satan,“ or as they told the children “Satan’s Bad
Castles.“ I remember being very terrified of walking in the church and expected
Satan to jump out at any moment! We sat in the back row and didn’t participate,
which upset my dad‘s family.
Youth
As I wasn’t allowed to be with anyone but
Jehovah’s Witnesses I spent a lot of time alone in my room. I wasn’t allowed to
ride the school bus, join in extra-curricular activities, go to sporting events
or dances. I wasn’t allowed to date, or hang out with my friends. Little to no
TV viewing was allowed and very select reading material was chosen for me. Most
embarrassing was the practice my dad began in 7th grade of dressing me as out of
style as possible to ‘be a witness’ for Jehovah. I wasn’t allowed to wear
make-up, high heels, or shave my legs until years after the other girls started.
I spent most of my early teens grounded for an attitude problem. I always
wondered what I was grounded from, as I wasn’t allowed to do anything. All the
rules seemed to be designed around preventing me from having or thinking about
having sex, which I had no desire to do! I was baptized in the early 80’s at the
age of 14, and was so excited, as I believed this saved me from death and
ensured my everlasting life on paradise earth. As long as I didn‘t get disfellowshipped. Eventually, my extreme lack of freedom drew the attention from
my school counselor, and then of the elders from the Kingdom Hall, and they had
a talk with my dad. At 15 I was given slightly more freedom. My brother was the
one that did whatever he wanted but no one seemed to care. He was the boy.
My parents did put some effort into creating a social life for my brother and I
within the organization by hosting parties and dances for Jehovah’s Witness
youth only. The music was from other generations though, and the enjoyment we
received from these events would be likened to jail inmates being allowed to
walk around the prison yard after weeks of confinement. The parents were lined
up around us, with rules like 5 bible lengths apart during dancing, and no fresh
air breaks outside lest we ‘sin.’ There was no comparison when I returned to
school Monday and heard about my non-witness peer’s adventures. I took
particular notice of the Christian youth groups stories, as they sounded so fun!
The Kingdom Hall is designed for adults and children are expected to sit next to
their parents for the two-hour services. There is no Sunday school, no youth
group, and nothing to bring to distract a child during the agonizing length of
time to sit. I was occasionally allowed to bring a notebook in which I could
mark how many times ‘Jehovah’ was said during the service. This excitement soon
wore off as my page filled with marks. ‘Jehovah’ it turns out, is said quite
frequently! Sometimes my friends and I would arrange to meet in the bathroom to
gossip, but we would usually get caught and bathroom breaks would be suspended
for a few weeks, until the next violation. Needless to say, meetings were
excruciatingly boring and usually ended up with me being taken in the back and
spanked as I fell asleep or just generally misbehaved. At 16 years of age my
father took me to the back of the Hall and spanked me during service while
everyone turned around and pretended they weren’t watching. One of my more
humiliating teen-age moments! My infraction? I had been resting my head on my
hand and by doing this, displaying an attitude problem.
My dad had been given added authority within the Watchtower organization and
soon advanced from Ministerial Servant to Elder. Being an Elder is similar to
the Christian version of a Deacon. The Congregation Overseer is similar to the
role of Pastor. As my dad was considered a leader in the Society the expectation
of good behavior increased in the family. Unlike most of my Witness peers, I
behaved well even when the Society wasn‘t looking. I didn’t smoke, drink, or
experiment with drugs. I steered away from boys for the most part, except for
friendships. I truly had a sincere desire to save myself for eternal paradise by
my good behavior as I had been taught. I was teased a lot at school for being a
Jehovah’s Witness, as I had to go door-to-door and knock on all the popular kids
doors and tell them about how the Gospel of Jehovah, as they call it. Even some
of the other Witness youth made fun of me for being ‘weird” as I read the Bible
daily and studied the literature on my own. My Witness friends were also were
known to exclude me from certain teen gatherings as they thought I would tell on
them if I saw what they were doing, which I actually wouldn’t have done, but was
relieved not to be put in the situation. Several times throughout my youth I was
spoken to by the elders regarding my friendship with a close friend, who
happened to be a boy. Our parents were very close friends and we were like
family to each other. We were seen sometimes ‘hugging.’ He was never more than
just a close friend, but mingling and friendships with the opposite sex was
frowned upon as “one would tend to have lustful feelings and act upon them“ they
said. I was once severely disciplined by my mother for ‘inappropriate’ behavior
of a ‘sexual nature’ with him. It wasn’t true, and to this day I don’t know how
she got to that conclusion, as it was innocent. We soon learned to stand far
apart and keep our friendship distant in the presence of the adults, but
maintained a close platonic friendship into adulthood.
At the age of 16 my family went on a summer vacation to Bethel, the headquarters
of the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society in New York. We toured the grounds and
met Bethelites as well as some of the Governing Body. This was very exciting for
a young Witness, much like the average American citizen being able to tour the
White House and meet the President of the United States. I had the dream of one
day being a Bethelite, although that dream was discarded after being there as
there was a very slim chance of a woman being invited. We also stayed at the
farm where the printing of the Watchtower material was done.
Missions Trip
In my senior year of high school my
parents sold our house, put everything in storage, and set off for a
self-volunteered trip to the South Pacific. Upon arrival to a small island we
stayed with the islands Congregation Overseer, an abusive and controlling man
that kept his daughter and wife in severe isolation, while allowing his son to
do what he wanted. I was also expected to follow along with the agenda of
isolation. One night when our parents were out, I brought a “smuggled” tape of
modern music out and soon we were innocently dancing and laughing around the
house. The girl, who was 2 years older than me, said that was the first time she
had laughed in years. Well, it was in that moment that our parents walked in and
our mothers were crying. They took us to a back bedroom and locked the door. We
looked out the window and saw the police, ambulance, and crowds of people
outside. We weren’t told what had happened until hours later when the door was
unlocked and we were brought out to the kitchen table and told the story.
Just yards away from the house was the Kingdom Hall. There were two missionary
couples that lived above the Hall in an apartment. It turns out that one of the
couples were in the process of a divorce, and the wife had left and was living
in an apartment on the other side of the island. There were rumors of physical
abuse by her husband, but no charges or action had been taken about that -she
was being unofficially shunned for leaving her post. The Watchtower had
abandoned the missionary couple by withdrawing all financial support, leaving
them both stranded on this island. The husband had been sleeping underneath the
church as he had nowhere else to go. Driven insane by the shunning and
humiliation, he had waited inside the apartment until the other missionary
couple came home and then viciously bludgeoned them to death. Apparently, he
blamed them for the divorce and abandonment. He had then swam across the bay and
phoned his confession into the police. The next few days were spent scrubbing
the blood off the white stucco building and repainting the Kingdom Hall. The
CO’s daughter felt that it was our fault as we were dancing during the murder
and therefore couldn’t hear the screams. The police said that it all happened so
fast, there was nothing that anyone could have done even if we had heard. Still,
she refused to speak with me for the duration of my stay as she felt that was
God’s punishment for her sin of dancing. I was devastated as I had gotten very
close to Kitty, one of the murder victims. The murderer was put in solitary
confinement, and we were told a few weeks later that “he had repented and he was
not going to be disfellowshipped. His wife, however, was unrepentant for leaving
him and so sadly she must be disfellowshipped. Again, they were just so sorry
for her hard heart, but let’s rejoice in brother so and so’s repentance.”
Escape
Needless to say, the rest of my year on
that island was awful. Although I was 18, my parents refused to let me leave
their side and my father took all my money that I earned from my sales position
at an island shoe store. This was a major betrayal on my parent’s part as they
had promised me if I didn’t like the missions trip after three weeks, I could
return with several other families that were leaving. When the time came and I
begged them to let me leave they said I couldn’t go. I spent the rest of my time
on the island grieving over Kitty’s death and bitter at my parent’s for their
deception. Interestingly, that year I fell away from the beliefs I had been
taught, as most of the teaching and literature from the organization that was
available on the island was not in English. For the first time in 10 years I
wasn’t being constantly bombarded with their teaching. This strengthened my
desire to get out off the island and away from my parents stifling control. I
was finally able to escape when they reluctantly allowed me to go on a
chaperoned trip with the other witness graduates the day after graduation. That
night when everyone was asleep I snuck off from the group, transferred my plane
ticket and flew back to the United States with a carryon bag and $20.00 left to
my name. I stayed with my parent’s closest friends, an elder and his wife. They
had three young children whom I babysat that summer in exchange for room and
board. I also took a job at a fish factory where I slimed fish to earn money for
my own apartment. My escape and new freedom angered my parents as they had
always maintained suffocating control of my life. In retaliation, they refused
to let me use the family car which they had stored at the same house where I was
staying. They also refused to let me into the storage unit to get my clothes and
personal belongings, as they said they were afraid that I would steal their
things. They eventually conceded to the car after pressure from the other adults
involved, but refused to speak with me or release any personal belongings to me.
They hung up on me when I called them to talk about it. I struggled along that
summer and earned enough money to get my own apartment. That was very frowned
upon in the Watchtower as I was a young woman living unsubmitted to a ‘man.’
First Year on
My Own
Although I kept attending the meetings at
the Kingdom Hall, my job at a local clothing store kept me very busy. The
Witness girls that I had grown up with became very jealous of me as I had been
overseas, was living on my own, and was being sought by many of the ‘brothers’
in the area. That first summer back I had seven marriage proposals. I really
liked being on my own, though, and turned them all down. As their jealousy grew,
they began to spread slander about me to their fathers; elders and leaders in
the Watchtower. Each accusation was investigated with a great deal of
enthusiasm, and countless disciplinary committees were called, and I was
expected to attend each one of them or face automatic disfellowshipping: a fate
worse than death.
One such slanderous accusation was that I was pregnant. I was brought before a
committee of three elders and the accusation was repeated to me. It had been
brought by three of my peers, all their daughters and once my dearest friends. I
denied it, as at that point I had never even kissed anyone. I was 19. I was told
that I would have to prove my virginity or be disfellowshipped. It was arranged
for me to go with an elders wife to the gynecologist for an exam to prove my
virginity. The doctor was horrified, but eventually performed the exam in the
presence of the elder’s wife. She loaned me the money to pay for the visit, as
the required exam was expected to be performed at my own expense. My virginity
was officially verified and documented and put on file at the Kingdom Hall. The
girls that had slandered me were disciplined privately within their families,
but continued to lodge accusations. One time they said I was spending the night
at a man’s house and the elders camped out in my living room all night waiting
for me to come home. When I arrived at 7am they were sitting on my couch! They
said they had caught me in the act of fornication, as they had been in my
bedroom and my blanket was gone. As I pulled my blanket out of the dryer and
explained that I was at work, which I could prove, they quietly got up and left.
I was also brought before a disciplinary committee for allowing the cable man in
and being alone with him inside of my apartment. As the accusations were lodged
each one was investigated and unproven.
There was an older man in the Watchtower that moved from congregation to
congregation. Rumors were circulating that he had raped several of the young
women, although they had never been substantiated. This man had taken a
particular interest in me, but I would have nothing to do with him. I had even
asked an elder and friend to please talk to him, as he was following me around.
Having no knowledge of my legal rights, or that stalking was considered a
criminal offense, I trusted the elder to take care of it. The jealous Witness
girls that used to be such close friends of mine heard about this man’s interest
in me, and set up an opportunity to place him in my apartment alone with me
while my roommate was at work. They stirred him up even more by telling him
about my virginity exam. They asked my roommate to give them a key to my
apartment, with a story about surprising me with a gift, and gave the key to
him. He used it to unlock my window, and that night as I fell asleep in bed he
slipped in the window and raped me. During the rape he calmly spoke about the
virginity exam and how much that excited him. Afterwards he said that if I told
anyone that I would be disfellowshipped, as I didn’t scream and dressed
immodestly. (I wore my skirts above my knee.)
The next morning my roommate came home and found me bleeding and sobbing in the
bathroom, she began to cry and apologize saying “I never thought it would go
this far.” She took me to the hospital, but when the doctor and the rape team
came in I wouldn’t give his name, as I was taught that anyone outside of the
organization was “The Great Satan” and I still trusted the Watchtower to handle
it. Also, I knew what the rapist had said was true, as the congregation elders
had spoken me to about my skirt length, living alone with another woman
unsubmitted to a man, and just general poor behavior in their eyes. Sadly, they
did have a policy in place at the time that if a woman didn’t scream during the
event it wasn’t rape and I hadn’t screamed. The girls that had set up the event
lodged their accusations once again, and at the disciplinary committee I
confessed and said that yes I had slept with brother so and so. We were both
publicly reproved for immorality. I was shunned for a period of time, and very
sufficiently humiliated. Eventually the reproof against me was lifted but
everyone continued to shun me anyway. My reputation was destroyed along with my
treasured virginity that I had been saving for my husband.
I was also continually stalked and raped again and again by this man. He would
be by my car when I got out of work, or jump me from behind while jogging on a
trail in the park. He threatened me that if I didn’t give him what he wanted
sexually that he would rape so and so and do such and such to her. He would
always name younger girls that I cared deeply for. My desire to remain in the
Watchtower and my ignorance of legal rights caused me to allow him to blackmail
me into a relationship with him. He told me that I really wanted it, I was just
playing hard to get. He would often throw $100 bills on the table as he left,
laughing. Although I kept his abuse secret, each time that I tried to end it he
would bring one of the girls he had threatened to rape to my place of work and
just casually talk to me with her by his side. It was his way of threatening me
into staying. I soon quit attending the meetings at the Kingdom Hall as they
always ended in disciplinary committees in the back rooms anyway.
Moved Away/Car Accident
I confessed the morbid rape story to a
non-witness friend, and she was horrified. She explained my legal rights and
that what he was doing was against the law, criminal even. This was all news to
me! We soon became very close and rented an apartment together. This protected
me from this man, as she stayed very close to me. I soon moved away to another
state and told no one where I was going. I built a new life working at a ski
resort, and found that all the stories about the non-Jehovah’s Witnesses being
the Great Satan were not only untrue, it was the other way around! The ‘world’
for the most part was kind and knew how to have fun. My joy was short lived
however when my car plummeted 80 feet into a ravine one snowy night on a
mountain pass. A car full of a Christian youth group saw my car go off and
climbed down to get me, fearing I was dead. They found me lying so far away from
the car; it could only be called a miracle. I was rushed to a local clinic 2
hours from the accident and then rushed by ambulance to the hospital. They
phoned my parents, and after my stay at the hospital released me into their
care. I was kept on a great deal of painkillers and remember very little over
the next few weeks, except that my mom stayed with me and took care of me. I was
taken back home to stay with my parents, as I had broken both ankles and lost
part of a fingertip, as well as just bruises, cuts, and neck and back injury.
After 4 days with my parents, we had a big fight about my freedom to come and go
as I please, which I wasn’t allowed to do. Instead of working it out, as usual I
was told that if I didn’t do what they said that I could leave and never come
back. So I called a taxi. The paramedic in the ambulance had given me his phone
number and said if I ever needed anything to call him, so I did. He said I could
stay at his house. My brother carried me down the stairs, and with my crutches
in tow, he carried me onto the greyhound bus. The paramedic met me at the
greyhound bus station and moved me into his house. I returned to my job at the
ski resort and soon moved into a cabin with roommates and fellow co-workers from
the resort.
Moved
Away Again/Disfellowshipping # 1
I didn’t tell anyone back home my
whereabouts, but after about a year a friend called and said that my family was
about to file a missing person’s report. So I called my mother and told her I
was fine, but I wasn’t coming back. Soon after that, two elders came into my
work place and said that I was going to be disfellowshipped as I was living in
sin with men. I pointed out that they were just roommates, not sexual partners,
but they insisted it was sin and that if I didn’t move out immediately I would
be disfellowshipped. So I rented my own apartment 30 minutes away, which I
really couldn’t afford at the time. They continued to harass me about imagined
accusations that weren’t even true. I finally lost my cool and told them all
off. Once I got going I couldn’t stop. I said things like “Yeah that’s right! I
DID have anal sex! (One of the many untrue accusations.) I had it with all nine
of the men that I had over last night!” A great deal of profanity came forth
during my tirade, which was very out of character for me. This of course had a
negative effect on the course of events and I was disfellowshipped that night.
The next evening, one of the elders from the discipline committee responsible
for my disfellowshipping came over to my house and began to tell me about the
problems that he was having with his wife. He then proceeded to ask me to have
sex with him. I declined. I called my parents to let them know that in one week
they were going to announce my disfellowshipping. I was told that I was now dead
in their eyes, and they would never speak to me again. This would make the
fourth time that my parents had disowned me in the past 2 years.
The next few years were difficult, as I had no idea how to live in everyday
society in freedom. I was soon taken advantage of by a swindler that had a habit
of hanging around vulnerable women who were about to get large insurance
settlements. He never really asked me out, just started helping himself into my
apartment when I was at work. I would come home late at night and he would be on
my couch. It never occurred to me to call the police, as I was raised that men
could do whatever they wanted, basically. I would tell him to leave but he would
just laugh and say, why? Soon, he was controlling every aspect of my life. I
moved back to the resort where I worked and found new roommates to try to shake
him off, but he just came to my place of employment and told my boss that I was
stealing and I was fired immediately. It was a lie, but they all said the same
thing, “why would he lie?” Labeled as a thief, I was kicked out of my apartment
and his plan worked. With no money and no job I was forced back with him.
He told everyone that we were engaged and we left to go to another state and
settled into an apartment. I worked and supported us. I was 20 and he was 33. It
wasn’t long before I became pregnant, but he told the pregnancy counselor that
if I didn’t abort the baby he would leave me. I told him if I was going to kill
anybody that day it would be him! My insurance settlement had just come in, and
I was confident that I would be able to use that money to support the baby and
myself until I could work again. He took my money and ran, leaving me destitute.
I hunted him down, trying to force him to take responsibility and return my
money, but he became physically abusive and as I was shaking and crying in a
dark church parking lot across the street, my parents showed up. He had called
them. I haven’t seen him since, and it’s been 15 years. I later found out he had
a history of this type of con, and hasn’t ever been caught.
Moved
Home/Pregnancy/Reinstatement
With nowhere else to go and no money, I
returned home with my parents. My father expected me to help him with his
commercial janitorial business 30-40 hours a week up until the 9th month of my
pregnancy. I was expected to give him my entire welfare check of $280.00 as well
as purchase food for us with my food stamps. I was also to help him around the
apartments that he was managing at the time. I wasn’t allowed to drive, although
I believe it embarrassed him to have others see me walking so he eventually
bought a car for me, but rarely let me drive it, and eventually took it away and
sold it for $200.00. The conditions were laid out that they would continue to
shun me as I lived with them, and I would attend all meetings and become
reinstated. I was allowed no contact with any non-Jehovah’s Witnesses, and since
I was disfellowshipped no contact with any Jehovah’s Witnesses either. Basically
I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone. I talked to some old friends that were
disfellowshipped, as they hadn’t been on my list of ‘do not talk to’ but that
was immediately stopped, and added to the list. I began counseling as my nights
were filled with horrific nightmares that were so realistic I would wake up
unable to breath. The meetings I attended at the Kingdom Hall were humiliating
as I had to sit in the back and no one was allowed to look at me or talk to me.
Children were slapped for staring at me. The little ones that I used to baby-sit
cried and struggled to get to me, as they loved me and didn’t understand why
they couldn’t hug me. I was brought to the back rooms for monthly re-instatement
committees with the 3 elders, but each month they decided to keep me shunned.
They stated my attitude as the chief problem. Some of the Jehovah’s Witnesses
began to get upset and confront the elders, as it seemed like an extraordinary
long time. I kept asking them about the length of time as well, and I was
eventually told that they were waiting for me to have my baby, as they didn’t
think that I should be rewarded with the love and support of old friends and
family for having committed the sin of fornication. Another girl in the same
congregation at the same time was reinstated after only six weeks - as soon as
she had her baby. At the hospital, I was placed in a room several doors down
from another Witness, who coincidentally had her baby the same day as me, from
the same congregation. As the Jehovah’s Witnesses flooded through her room to
offer their love and support, I was shunned and ignored. Some witnesses would
cast fearful glances my way, but then quickly turn their head, as though caught
in the act of sin. Even my own parents stayed away, except to stop in for a
minute or two, and I was left all alone in my hospital room with my baby. My
roommate had a big family, and to make matters worse had a steady stream of
visitors and family as well, and they would cast pitiful glances my way. What
should have been one of the happiest days of my life was clouded with
humiliation and heartache. Two weeks after my baby was born, I was reluctantly
reinstated with warnings about my attitude.
Reinstatement/Marriage/Separation
After my reinstatement, the sisters threw
a baby shower for me, and they were very kind. I heard all the rumors that had
been spread about me: that I had been in prison for selling cocaine, that I was
a prostitute on skid row, etc. We all had a good laugh when I told them I was
teaching children how to ski and was a runway model for skiwear. I hadn’t even
smoked a cigarette! I quickly patched up old friendships and moved out of my
parent’s house. This angered my dad and he refused to speak to me for a long
period of time. He glared at me a lot along with the silent treatment I was so
used to. I rented my own apartment where my baby and I could build our new life
together. I resumed my door-to-door activities and remember that first year with
my daughter as the happiest times of my life. For the first time ever I felt
LOVED by someone. She was so happy, and beautiful! Through the whole pregnancy I
believed that God truly hated me, and would curse me with a disabled child, or
that she would die at birth. I hadn’t even thought of the possibility that I
would have a healthy loving baby. It shook up my concepts of God’s feelings
towards me. Surely He must love me to bless me with a beautiful healthy baby
like my daughter. I was managing the apartment complex where I lived, and
started my own business where I was able to take my baby. I also enrolled in
college. However, this upset the elders again with the unsubmitted to the man
thing, and they urged me to accept a marriage proposal that I had received.
Well, the brother they suggested seemed nice enough and made great money, and he
was very good with my daughter, so I agreed. I also was willing to do just about
anything the elders asked at this point, as I wanted my daughter to know her
grandparents. I knew that if I stayed disfellowshipped she would have no one but
me for family, as her birth father had run out on us, and his parents had
refused to acknowledge her as she was a ‘bastard’ child. After a long courtship
of six weeks we married. As I was in the back waiting to walk down the aisle on
my wedding day an intense feeling of dread came over me and I told the sisters
surrounding me that I couldn’t marry this man. As I was sobbing and trying to
leave they physically restrained me, and literally pushed me to the aisle. The
tears I cried as I walked down that aisle were tears of terror not joy. I hated
myself for allowing them to suck me back in to this strange, humiliating world,
and hated them for what they were doing to me and my daughter.
Within days the marriage turned to a nightmare as the man became cruel and
abusive. He had lied about everything including his income. His secretive
activities included staying out all night and coming home angry. He agreed he
had a problem and we went to the elders together. The elders listened to the
details and decided that we just needed to ‘pray’ more and I needed to be more
submissive. As that would include participating in sexual acts that were deemed
disfellowshipping offenses by the Watchtower, I was confused. When I questioned
that I was warned that I was treading on ‘thin ice’ because of my past.
After about two months of marriage, I called a crisis center
and began to talk to a volunteer on the phone. She explained the legal system,
that what the elders and my husband were doing was illegal in regards to me, and
that there was a shelter for my daughter and me. I never knew this! He agreed to go to counseling. Within an hour his
demeanor changed, he became enraged and came at me with a large chef’s knife. I
stared him down and said God was protecting me, and he raced away in his car.
After four months of marriage, most of which he had spent out of town or away
somewhere, I left that day with my baby to stay in the shelter. When I got to
the crisis center, they said I didn’t qualify as my husband hadn’t hit me. Well,
I insisted and cried and said he would kill me, which he had threatened several
times. I stayed in the shelter and within two weeks had filed for divorce and
rented my own apartment.
He continued
his harassment of me, so I filed a restraining order which he violated on
several occasions. During those court hearings the elders came to support him,
sat by him, hired his lawyer, and even dug up my old rapist and tried to get him
on the stand to testify that he and I were lovers and I was mentally ill. That I
had a history of making up stories about sexual abuse. My husband was convicted of violating his
restraining order anyway, and sentenced to donate $100.00 to the battered
women’s shelter.
The subsequent disciplinary committee meetings that followed were like a really
bad B movie. I was disfellowshipped
for stirring up division or slander, I don’t remember which. He was promoted to
a ministerial servant soon after that, and the congregation was told slanderous
lies about me again and warned about my apostasy.
Ready To Fight
For some reason, I was not ready to take
it this time, and contacted the headquarters about the injustice. Many different
letters were sent back and forth where they requested documentation. I sent
copies, instead of the originals they asked for. A special meeting was held with
a ROOMFUL of elders and overseers, and some Watchtower big wig from a ‘neutral’
county far away. I presented my case, but it was more like the trial of Joan of
Arc. I was outraged as they asked me questions designed to humiliate me, and
soon realized they weren’t after the truth at all, they were just there to put
the final nails in my coffin ~ the second death.
I went to the crisis center, and found out there were currently seven other
witnesses willing to testify against the same body of elders for basically the
same story. I had the best documentation and signed up for the court hearings as
a witness. The elders got a hold of the list of names, and I began to receive
death threats on my door and telephone. My ex-abusers never threatened me in
this way as it wasn’t their method, they were more ‘in person’ threateners, not
the sneaking behind my back type. Also, the elders took turns parking outside my
apartment and watching me in pairs, like a police stake out. They hadn’t done
that since I was 19! I was undeterred until one day I came home to my house
having been broken into, and guess what was missing? All the documentation of
the Watchtower’s guilt had mysteriously disappeared. I didn’t even bother to
call the police anymore, as the elders had convinced them I was crazy and
paranoid. Apparently the elders had intimidated the other witnesses into
silence, as they all stepped down and refused to testify. The case was thrown
out.
Moving On
For the next five years the Watchtower
left me alone. I allowed my daughter to spend time with her grandparents, but
they continued to shun me off and on, depending on their mood. I quietly
tolerated it as we both loved them very much and she enjoyed her visits to their
house. I soon found out that they were sneaking her door-to-door and to meetings
when I had said they weren’t allowed to teach her their religion. They would lie and
say they wouldn’t take her anymore, and then I would catch them again. It was
causing a lot of friction between my daughter and I, as she was being told to
lie and keep secrets from me. I would withhold visits for awhile, my daughter
would cry because she missed them, we would start over and it would go on like
that until I decided to move away. I was very tight financially, and in order to
afford to move I had to sell the little bit that I owned to buy a vehicle, as I
had not had a car in years. So I had a huge garage sale and sold literally
everything but a few clothes and some mementos, and my daughters favorite toys.
We made several thousand dollars from the sale, and I purchased a van and began
to pack it up. My parents came over in the midst of this process, which took
several months, and expressed their concern. I confronted them about their
history of lies, control and manipulation, as well as their complete disregard
for my role as my daughter’s parent. My usually silent glaring father exploded
and threatened to take away my daughter if I tried to leave. I didn’t believe
him, but within a week she wasn’t at school when I went to pick her up. I was
informed that they had released her to my parents. They brought her back later
that night, and laughed innocently and said that they didn’t think that I would
mind. They just felt like seeing her. It happened again the following week.
An elder came to my door one day, someone I hadn’t ever met before. He said that
he had read about my story in the files, and he could see that a great injustice
had been done. He tried to convince me that the Watchtower had changed a lot
since then, as they had hired a female attorney to handle the flood of abuse
cases. He said that they had to do that to me as many other people left soon
after I did, and questioned the elders about their decisions because of my
outspokenness. He also warned me that my father was serious about kidnapping my
child and had the unofficial support from the Society. Passports had been
prepared and the arrangements were being made to smuggle her out of the country.
A ‘large financial contribution’ had been provided. He urged me not to move away
and ‘force’ my fathers hand in this matter. He posed this question to me: “If
you saw a child drowning, and the mother was just standing there, not making any
attempt to rescue her, wouldn’t you rescue her? That isn’t kidnapping, it’s
rescuing.” I told him to get off my porch and never come back, and my daughter
and I were on the road the next day. It was near the end of her school year, but
she didn’t have much time to say her goodbyes. She was seven years old.
I don’t know if that elder was telling the truth or not, but I decided better
safe then sorry. I went through a non-profit organization in another state, and
they helped me to relocate about as far away as one can physically get, while
still staying in the country. I haven’t had any further problems from the
Watchtower, and the mind control and threats don’t work anymore, even if they
did bother me. With seven years between me and the nightmare of the Watchtower,
I have been slowly healing and learning about what freedom means.
True Freedom
There are no words to describe the joy of
true freedom. A few years ago I prayed to God, and asked him to show me His
truth, not through an organization or person. Just between God and I. He took me
to the words of Jesus in the King James version of the Bible in John 10: 7-16 “I
am the door...if any man enter in, he shall be saved...I come that they may have
life, and that they may have it more abundantly...I am the good shepherd...a
hireling seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth...because he
is a hireling, and careth not for the sheep...I know my sheep....they shall hear
my voice...and there shall be one shepherd.” That day I accepted Jesus Christ as
my personal Lord and Savior and entered the door. I listen to His voice, and
allow Him to Shepherd me. Never again will I let an organization, religion, or
person dictate to me my standing with God and my future, but I rest in the arms
of the Good Shepherd, Jesus, who died for me, so that I may live a joyful
abundant life, and live with Him forever in heaven! I am not perfect, and mess
up all the time, but now live under the mercy and grace of a loving God, that is
ready and willing to forgive me and throw my mistakes into the sea of
forgetfulness. I am forgiven and truly free! He promises to turn all things to
good for those that love Him. He has already blessed me with two beautiful
children that love me unconditionally, and the honor of loving them
unconditionally! We have a home filled with laughter and mistakes. Big, noisy,
careless mistakes that we stand back together and laugh at. No guilt, no shame
and no more accusations. No fear of ‘not being good enough.‘ Thank you Lord!
|
