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Mrs. R's
Testimony
I was born in the early 1960’s to Puerto Rican parents
who had left their homeland to live in New York seeking a better life. My father
was raised Catholic, though he had lost all faith in the Catholic Church at a
young age. My mother was raised Evangelical, but was not a big churchgoer. My
parents met and married in New York, and I was born shortly thereafter.
My mother, as most women of her generation, stopped working once I was born so
she could be a stay at home mom and housewife. She was very lonely, having no
family and few friends in New York. She took a liking to my father’s cousin, a
sweet friendly woman who was a Jehovah’s Witness. When I was about 3 years old,
my mother began attending the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses, where they
have their meetings. My mother was treated very kindly by the members, and she
felt happy when she was there. Several months went by, and my mother requested
an at home bible study. My father’s cousin asked the wife of one of the elders
(similar to a deacon) if she would study with my mother, and she obliged. I
remember the woman well. She was a kind lady, always smiling and pleasant. She
had 3 sons of her own, who were good friends of my cousin’s sons. The lady came
once a week to study with my mother, who was starved for adult companionship. My
mother was also not well versed in Scripture, having attended different churches
but never settling in any one. Mom believed in God but was not satisfied with
religions. Once she began studying with the nice Jehovah’s Witness lady, she
became convinced this was the “one true religion”. She was sure she’d found “the
truth”. Convincing my father of this was a whole different story.
My father saw religion as a huge hypocrisy to begin with. He’d been an alter boy
at the Catholic Church where he was raised, until the day he found the priest in
bed with one of the more influential women in town. He was devastated, and
refused to have anything to do with church again. He was especially against
Jehovah’s Witnesses. He saw them as a business rather than a religion, simply
sending the members out to sell books and magazines door to door. My father made
it clear to my mother that he would not have his wife selling religious
paraphernalia as though he couldn’t support his family. My mother continued
studying, and devouring all the information that came from the Watchtower
Society. To such an extent was her belief in this religion, that upon giving
birth to the twins, my younger brother and sister, she had a life threatening
hemorrhage and refused a blood transfusion because she’d been told it was a
mortal sin to receive blood. She was prepared to leave me, a 4 ½ year old, and 2
newborns without a mother. But for the grace of God did my mother survive that
ordeal. Despite this act of faith, after she’d studied for two years and made no
commitment to the preaching work or to becoming a full-fledged member, the nice
Jehovah’s Witness lady stopped coming. She needed to dedicate her time to people
who were truly interested in becoming Witnesses, and though it was my mother’s
sincere desire to do just that, she could not meet all the requirements of 5
meetings a week, preaching and giving bible studies with 3 small children and a
non believing husband. Rather than accept that my mom was doing the best she
could under the circumstances and help her out, they pretty much abandoned her.
Mom, however, was still sure she’d found “the truth”. She continued attending
meetings whenever she could, even attending summer assemblies, which at that
time were held in Yankee Stadium in August and lasted anywhere from 5 to 8 days.
My father remained adamant about her not becoming more involved with the
Witnesses than she already was, but Mom adopted many of the beliefs in her own
life, and consequently in ours also. My brother and sister and I were taught the
Jehovah’s Witnesses beliefs from a young age. We didn’t celebrate birthdays,
Thanksgiving, Christmas, or any other holiday. My dad could care less; it meant
less money spent on what he considered junk. It was hard for us children,
though, seeing other families enjoying the holidays while we would only get to
watch the cartoons on TV, and even that ended after a while. Mom didn’t want us
getting attached to the “false doctrines of Babylon the Great”, or all the false
religions of this world (meaning any religion that is not Jehovah’s Witnesses).
For the next 8 years my mother continued this way, teaching us that the
Witnesses alone had the truth and if we didn’t accept their truth we would die
at Armageddon. During this time my mother’s mother and her younger sister both
became Jehovah’s Witnesses, and my aunt’s husband not only became a Witness but
quickly moved up the ranks to become an elder. This gave my mother an even
stronger incentive to become a Witness, but she still did not dare go against my
father. Dad had threatened to leave her if she chose to become a Jehovah’s
Witness, and with now 4 children (my youngest sister having been born in 1973)
my mother could not imagine raising us on her own. She did, however, continue to
raise us as though we were Jehovah’s Witnesses, with all the doctrines ingrained
in our minds.
When I was almost 11 years old, my father’s cousin came to our house after
having been out preaching in our neighborhood. She brought a 15 year old JW girl
with her, who sat with me and started talking about the Bible and asked if I
wanted to study with her. She was so nice, and after all hadn’t my mother said
this was the only true religion and I would die at Armageddon if I didn’t accept
it? It was 1974, and the Witnesses had foretold that the end of “this system of
things” would be in 1975. I surely didn’t want to die at such a young age! So I
immediately said yes, I would study with her. The young girl came once a week
and studied a book entitled “Jesus the Great Teacher” with me. I loved learning
about Jesus and all the wonderful things He did and taught. She began picking me
up for meetings, until a nice older lady on our block offered to take me to
Kingdom Hall since she had to go by my house anyway. What nice people in this
Kingdom Hall! They were so friendly and kind. The older lady began speaking to
my mother about studying again, and going to meetings regularly. My mother took
advantage that I was interested and started attending all the meetings. My
father was livid. He fought with her daily, threatened her, came home drunk,
anything and everything to get my mother to stop getting involved with the
Witnesses. But this time it was different. 1975 was too close, and the end was
too near. My mother didn’t budge. She got baptized when I was 12 years old. Dad
hit the roof. He left to Puerto Rico, leaving her with us and no money. When he
came back a week later, thinking my mother had decided to leave the Witnesses
and save her marriage, he found that she’d packed his bags and left them by the
door. She was ready to end her marriage for her religion. My father was
defeated; he knew she would not back down. So, as the old saying goes, “If you
can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” My dad started attending Kingdom Hall, and we became
a Jehovah’s Witness family.
At first I was happy to be going to Kingdom Hall and belonging to the Witnesses.
It was better than not belonging but doing (or not doing) everything they said.
At least now I was “one of them”. I went in believing everything they taught was
truth. After all, isn’t that what my mom had always said? I was baptized at age
14, because I knew the Bible said it was the thing to do to show my life was
dedicated to God, and I truly in my heart wanted to serve Him. But as time went
by, I began to see things that I knew couldn’t be right.
I knew a young man, the baptized son of a Witness couple, who raped a retarded
boy in the congregation. Rather than bring charges against the rapist, the
elders took matters into their own hands by disfellowshipping the young man.
This meant that he would be shunned by Witnesses everywhere, and he’d lost his
chance for salvation. He could not speak to any Witness, nor participate in any
Jehovah’s Witness activity. This was his total punishment, since the authorities
were never advised of the incident. The mother of the mentally retarded boy was
“strongly advised” not to go to the police, since this would bring shame to “the
organization”. Several years later I found out the young man was in the police
academy, studying to be one of New York’s Finest! A rapist who would be a cop!
But no one dared say anything, because it would be bad for the congregation, and
that would also cause loss of salvation. Jehovah’s Witnesses believe salvation
is earned, not a gift from God. It can be taken away at any moment, and for
reasons that are not necessarily Scriptural. Speaking against the organization
would be grounds for disfellowshipping and loss of salvation, which no one would
risk. But could God be so unjust, that this young man could be set free to
continue hurting other children if given the opportunity? Shouldn’t he be behind
bars for what he did? Did God hold his “organization” in higher esteem than the
life and well being of children? It didn’t seem right.
There were also teachings of the Watchtower Society that didn’t agree with
Scripture. For instance, Witnesses do not believe that everyone goes to Heaven.
Only active and faithful Jehovah’s Witnesses will be saved when Armageddon
comes, and only 144,000 total Witnesses will go to Heaven. This is based on the
Scripture found at Revelation 7:4, which gives the exact number which they say
alone will enter Heaven. However, verses 5-8 mention the specific tribes of
Israel that these chosen ones would come from. Are all the 144,000 Jewish
according to the Jehovah’s Witnesses? No, they claim this is symbolic.
Revelation 14 also speaks of the 144,000, stating these would be virgins. Again,
the Watchtower Society taught that this was symbolic. Why, then, if everything
concerning the 144,000 was not to be taken literally, should the number itself
be literal? I could not make sense of this.
The teachings of the Holy Spirit were not clear to me either. Jehovah’s
Witnesses do not believe the Holy Spirit to be a person. Instead they believe
the Holy Spirit to be God’s Force, His Power, similar to electricity. It is God
Strength, which He uses to do everything He does. But that was not in line with
the Scripture at Matthew 12:31 - “Therefore I say to you, every sin and
blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be
forgiven men.” How could it be that God would forgive all sins and blasphemy
except if it was against His Strength? Isn’t His Strength a part of Him? How
then could you sin against God and be forgiven but not against the Holy Spirit?
I didn’t understand it, but I never questioned the teachings. I didn’t dare. To
question the Watchtower Society would be like questioning God, since the Society
claims to be the Faithful and Discreet slave spoken of at Matthew 24:45,
entrusted by God to take care of the faithful followers. When a Witness
questions the beliefs, they are counseled to try and “readjust” their thinking.
If this doesn’t work, the person is marked, watched to see if they are going to
start spreading their ideas amongst other Witnesses. If they do they are
promptly reproved or disfellowshipped. Questioning the Society therefore was a
no-no, and I didn’t want to cause problems for myself and my family, so I kept
quiet.
What disturbed me most were the holidays. I could understand why some holidays
were not celebrated. I mean, Halloween seemed evil, with all the witches and
goblins involved. And days like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were more of an
excuse for the stores to sell rather than a day to thank parents. But I couldn’t
see the evil in celebrating Thanksgiving. Why would it be a sin to get together
with family and friends and thank God for all He’d done for us during the year?
The Witnesses don’t celebrate Thanksgiving because they say it is a worldly
holiday, not in the Bible. Yet the Bible doesn’t ever speak against gatherings
that center on thanking God, instead it encourages it. What’s worse, it wasn’t
optional. If a Witness was having company over on that day and served turkey,
they’d be called before the elders to explain why they were celebrating this
worldly holiday, even though there’s nothing scripturally wrong with it!
Christmas also seemed extreme. If the Watchtower Society had stated that the
story of Santa Claus was not in Scripture and therefore should not be included
in the Christmas celebration, I would have been okay with it. What I couldn’t
understand was not celebrating Christ’s birth at all! The Bible speaks so much
about all the details of His birth, showing how the prophesies in the Old
Testament came true in Him. Why shouldn’t this be celebrated? The Witnesses
excuse: The Bible speaks of birthday celebrations twice, and in both instances
someone dies, therefore they are evil. This just didn’t seem right to me. Yes,
there were two birthday celebrations where tragedy struck. Does that mean all
birthday celebrations are bad? If someone dies in a car accident, is it a sin to
drive? And if celebrating Jesus’ birth is a sin, why would the Bible speak so
much about it? I couldn’t make heads or tails of it, I didn’t dare ask anyone
the questions that were on my mind, and it all weighed heavily on my heart.
School was very difficult as a Jehovah’s Witness. I couldn’t participate in any
after school activities because they were all worldly activities run by worldly
people. I couldn’t join the school chorus because they sang holiday songs and
that was forbidden. I didn’t play in sports because it might take time away from
meetings, studying and preaching. Besides, competitiveness was discouraged. It
was like everything was bad except the things that came from the Watchtower
Society. Worse yet, there were no activities for the youth of the congregation
except field service (door to door preaching). Once in a while the families
would get together and go on picnics or to the beach, but these were just
certain cliques in the congregation, and it was not something the Society
sponsored or even encouraged. It seemed like the only thing the Society allowed
us to do was study their books and go out preaching. It wasn’t a fun life, and
the other school kids looked down on us. It was no wonder so few Witness kids
would actually admit to being Witnesses when in school. I had excellent grades
in high school, but furthering my education in university was frowned upon. We
were told the “end” was so near and we wouldn’t need those useless professions
in Paradise, so why go on to college when there was preaching to be done? My
teachers were extremely disappointed. I simply accepted it as my lot in life, as
all the other Witness kids did. I would simply finish high school and look
forward to living day to day until Armageddon.
As I got older and my mind opened up to new things, I tried to pull away from
the Witnesses. There were so many demands, so many rules to follow, I felt
stifled. Instead of feeling free, I felt trapped. I became rebellious at times,
not wanting to go out in the field service or participate in the Watchtower
magazine meetings. My mother, though, had a tight reign on me and would reel me
in if she saw me getting out of hand. Mom would waste no time; she would go to
the elders the minute she suspected I was drifting from “the truth”. I know she
wanted what was best for me, and she believed she was doing the right thing. I
couldn’t tell her my frustrating thoughts, because she’d run to the elders with
that information also. The more my mother pulled me in the more I resisted. Yet
my love for God was always there. I believed in Him, I believed in His Word, I
just couldn’t get it all to make sense in my mind.
Once I graduated high school and began working I started hanging around with
non-Witnesses more and more. There were moments I wanted out, but I knew it
would mean my family would shun me. Shunning is the way the Witnesses keep the
members in line. If a Witness decides to leave the organization, they are looked
upon as dead. No one will so much as give them a greeting, even their own
family. I was 18 years old; I didn’t want to lose my family. I just didn’t want
to live under so many restrictions. Rather than keeping me faithful, my religion
suffocated me and I turned away from all I knew was right. I started dating a
young non-Witness, and before I knew it I’d gone to bed with him. I immediately
felt tremendous guilt. I knew the Bible spoke against sexual sin, and I’d
allowed myself to fall. What was God thinking of me? I’d lost my chance for
salvation for sure.
I did what I believed was the correct thing to do: I went to my parents and
confessed my sin. Mom, in true form, immediately called the elders. I was truly
repentant, that I knew, and I expressed this to the elder that came to my house
and to the committee that met with me afterwards. I told them I was no longer
seeing the young man, and instead was dating a Jehovah’s Witness, as I knew was
acceptable. Because I’d come to them and confessed, they chose not to
disfellowship me. This by no means meant I was off the hook, though. I was
marked. This meant that I would be watched at every moment by several members of
the congregation. I was shocked to find they knew my every step, my whereabouts
at any given time. It was frightening at times, but I felt I deserved what I was
getting because I’d sinned. I also decided I needed to prove to God that I’d
repented of my sin. I began auxiliary pioneering, which in Witness lingo meant I
would spend a minimum of 60 hours a month preaching from door to door, in the
streets, and giving in home Bible studies. Surely this would let God see how
sorry I was for what I’d done? In my heart I felt He’d forgiven me, because
although I’d made a huge mistake I recognized it and came forward. I was doing
everything I was told: my mother knew where I was and who I was with at all
times, I no longer had non-Witness friends, I was at all the meetings and I was
going out in field service everyday. There couldn’t be much more I could do to
show my sincere desire to please God. I decided I needed to take a further step
to show my devotion to doing His Will. After close to 2 years, I signed up to be
a regular pioneer, putting in 90 hours a month in preaching work. To my absolute
shock and dismay, my request was denied. The presiding overseer (similar to a
senior pastor in other churches) told me I could not be given such a privilege,
since I’d not yet proven that I was truly repentant! I could not believe my
ears. Were these men God that they knew what was in my heart? How could it be
that I felt forgiven by Jehovah but I wasn’t forgiven by the congregation? I was
devastated. I realized that “love” was conditional upon their acceptance. I was
being judged for something that only God can judge me for. To top it off, my
parents were having serious problems in their relationship. My father never fit
in with the Witnesses and all their demands, so he never fully committed. The
pressure was continuous, from my mother and from everyone in the congregation,
for him to become a full fledged Witness, getting baptized and participating in
all the required activities. My father just wanted to attend the Kingdom Hall
and keep his family together. He too began falling away, and my parent’s
marriage began to fall apart. The arguments were constant. My mother did what a
good Witness woman was expected to do: she went to the elders with her problems.
Unfortunately, elders in the Jehovah’s Witness organization are ill-prepared to
help in marriage counseling matters, and Witnesses are not supposed to see
“worldly” marriage counselors, so all they told my parents was that they needed
to spend more time in the field service and in meetings. Not only were they
unable to help my parents with their marriage problems, they made the situation
worse. In no time the entire congregation knew of the problems going on in my
home, with me, with my parents, and it was the #1 topic of conversation and
gossip in our Kingdom Hall and in others in the area. I could not believe it.
This was God’s “one true organization on Earth” as I’d been taught all my
life?!? Where was the love that Jesus spoke of, that would identify His sheep
(John 13:35)? I began suffering physically from all of the stress. I couldn’t
eat or sleep, I cried at the drop of a hat, and my nerves were shot. My
boyfriend wanted to get married, but since all he had was a GED and no college
education, he had trouble finding work. When he did get a job he couldn’t seem
to keep it. He was also a constant liar. I didn’t trust him completely as I
should. Nothing was going right, and I’d had enough. A young man at work with me
could tell I was going through some rough times. He was willing to listen, and I
could talk to him about things I couldn’t talk with Witnesses about. One day I
knew I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I packed my bags early in the
morning, and left my house never to return. I knew the consequences would be
severe, but I just didn’t want to live that way anymore. I was 5’4” and weighed
less than 100 lbs. My co-worker found some friends who were willing to let me
stay with them until I got on my feet. I was free of the Witnesses, free of the
preaching work, free of the 5 mandatory meetings a week, but I was trapped in a
belief that my destruction was imminent. Even though it was now 1986 and 11
years had gone by since the 1975 prediction of the end of the system had not
come to pass, I still believed the Witnesses had the only truth, and it was just
a matter of time before total destruction came for me. What was I to do? I
couldn’t go back, because I knew I would be disfellowshipped this time for sure,
and I didn’t want to go through the shunning. I’d already felt the lack of love
from my “brothers”, I didn’t want them to talk about me but not to me for the
next year or more. I felt like I’d lost it all, my life, my family, my friends,
my chance for salvation, and God’s love. I was sure God was disgusted with me,
and wanted nothing more than to be rid of me. So, I decided to do all the things
every other teenager did but I’d never gotten to do. I partied all night long,
drank too much, flirted with every guy that looked at me twice. I didn’t care
about anything anymore, because I was sure God didn’t care about me. I was so
empty it hurt. My life was falling apart, and I had no future. Just when it
seemed as though my life was totally out of control, the unthinkable happened: I
became pregnant. Oh, the shame I felt! I believed God was punishing me now for
sure. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized God wasn’t punishing me,
He was saving me. Who knows how my life would have turned out if I’d continued
down the path I was on? Instead, I decided I needed to get my life back on
track. The drinking and partying stopped. I worked hard and tried to look
forward to the short future that I had. It was still very difficult, though. I
refused to go back to a religion that I still believed was God’s only true
organization, which meant that not only was I doomed to destruction but now so
was my son. The guilt was terrible.
After our daughter was born, my boyfriend and I married. I looked at these 2
beautiful children, and it broke my heart that God would destroy them because of
the mistakes I’d made in my life. I decided they needed some type of spiritual
guidance, but not from Jehovah’s Witnesses. Despite the fact that I still
believed their teaching that only Jehovah’s Witnesses have a chance at
salvation, I chose to raise my children in the Catholic religion, which was my
husband’s religion from childhood. It seemed like a safe religion; they didn’t
put huge demands on the members, there were barely any restrictions to speak of,
and my family could celebrate anything they wanted without fear. It seemed
perfect on the outside, but inside I lived terrified of what was approaching. It
was now the 1990’s. We’d always been told that we would not see the year 2000 in
this “system of things”. I had horrible nightmares of Armageddon coming and
finding my husband and children dead. Other times I’d dream that my husband
would blame the death of our children on me, because I hadn’t continued in the
Jehovah’s Witness faith and had destined them to destruction. The thoughts and
fears wouldn’t go away. The Catholic Church’s teachings didn’t help, either. I
would take my children to Mass, and I’d leave feeling just as empty as when I’d
gone in. The teachings were superficial, the Bible readings weren’t explained,
and all the rituals made no sense to me.
The worse part was the feeling that God had rejected me. I loved the Lord, but
believed He didn’t love me. I’d left His organization, after all. He had no use
for lowly little me. I didn’t feel worthy of even praying to Him and asking for
anything for myself. Yet at times, when life’s trials were more than I could
bare, I would ask God to please look after my husband and my children. I
wouldn’t ask for anything for myself because I didn’t believe He’d bother with
me, but whenever I asked Him for something for my family He’d come through. He
never let me down. Perhaps He wasn’t so bad after all? Or maybe He felt
compassion for my family who didn’t know Him because of me. Regardless, God
always was nearby, even when I didn’t think He wanted to be.
I did my best to put the Witnesses behind me and enjoy what time I had left with
my husband and children. Twelve years had gone by since I’d left the Witnesses,
and in that time I had become a wife, mother, hard working employee and
housewife. Though I wasn’t in any particular religion, I kept attending the
Catholic Church for my children’s sake, and did my best to live a life that was
clean and decent. Then something happened that would rock my world like nothing
had done in years: My grandmother passed away. This may not seem like much to
some people. After all, my grandmother was 81 years old, had gotten very ill and
died. This happens all the time. But it wasn’t supposed to happen to my
grandmother.
My grandmother had accepted the JW religion when she found out my mother was
studying with them. My aunt had already accepted their teachings, but according
to my grandmother, my aunt was gullible and would believe anything told to her.
My mother, on the other hand, had always been the more discerning of her
daughters, and so my grandmother gave it a try and became a Witness in 1968. She
was 51 years old at the time, and was looking forward to Paradise living after
the destruction of Armageddon in 1975. The year 1975 was significant to the
Witnesses, since they prophesied that it was the year when Christ would visibly
return. As the years went by the Watchtower Society denied ever saying that 1975
was THE year and that Witnesses had simply “read into” the publications that
stated that 1975 COULD be a year when something important would happen. Many
members left during 1975 and 1976. My grandmother, however, chose to stay and
continued with the belief that she would never die, that Armageddon would come
long before her hour of death and she’d enter Paradise alive. We all believed
this to be true. The Watchtower Society teaches that Jesus had already come in
1914, just invisibly. They stated that WWI was the beginning of the end times,
and the generation that was alive during that time would not pass away before
the end of “this system of things”, based on the Scripture at Matthew 24:34.
They claimed that a generation could only last between 70 and 80 years (see
Psalm 90:10), and since people that were alive in 1914 would probably not live
past 1994, the end of wicked mankind would take place before this. I hadn’t
thought about it for such a long time, yet it occurred to me that my grandmother
had been born in 1917 and had died in 1998 at the age of 81. If this was true,
how old were the generation that was alive during 1914? Well into their 80’s and
90’s, for sure. How was it then that the end had not come yet? We were so close
to the year 2000, yet so many of the prophesies that the Watchtower Society
claimed should have happened, had not. It certainly put a wrench in the works. I
kept it in the back of my mind, and pondered it every once in a while, but
didn’t investigate anything further. I guess I was too afraid of what I would
find.
The next few years went by as a blur. My youngest child was born, we moved into
a new house, my older children finished their catechism classes, and life went
on as normal. I, however, kept wondering about what the Witnesses must be
teaching. It was 2002, two years after the Y2K scare, one year after 9/11, and
Armageddon was nowhere in sight. What were they telling the Witnesses now? My
curiosity peaked, and I went on the Internet to see if I could find any
information on the subject. I googled “Jehovah’s Witnesses” to see if there was
a website that would show me their teachings on the subject. What I found was a
myriad of websites of ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses. Normally I would never have gone
on any of these websites. As a Jehovah’s Witness, we were not allowed to read
any religious propaganda that didn’t come from the Watchtower Society, and we
were especially forbidden to read what is known as “apostate material”.
Apostates, according to the Watchtower Society, are people that were witnesses
but left to go to other religions and now speak against the Witness
organization. I had been out so long I dared look at one of the websites, even
though it was with trepidation. I found one website, JWFiles.com, with a header
titled “Failed Prediction – 1914 Generation!” I read from actual Watchtower
publications what I could not believe. The 1914 doctrine had changed!!! The
Watchtower Society had taught for over 60 years that the 1914 generation Jesus
spoke of was the generation alive in 1914, which was why the end would HAVE to
come before the year 2000. In November 1995, when they saw that their prediction
was not coming true, they wrote in their Watchtower magazine publication that
“eager to see the end of this evil system, Jehovah’s people have at times
speculated about the time when the ‘great tribulation’ would break out, even
tying this to calculations of what is the lifetime of a generation since 1914.”
They went on to say that, contrary to what I’d been taught all my life and what
had been taught decades previous, “the term ‘generation’ as used by Jesus refers
principally to contemporary people of a certain historical period”, or the
current generation. That was what most Christian churches had been teaching for
years, and we’d mocked them because they didn’t have the truth that we had! How
could this be? Had God changed His mind? Was He playing some kind of trick on
His people, His “organization”? Why would God allow His “one true religion” to
teach falsehood for so many years? At first I was speechless. Then I was angry.
I felt deceived for so many years. My head was spinning. If they were wrong
about something so critical in their teachings, what else were they teaching
that was wrong? I felt driven to find the real “truth”. Was the WT all that
they’d said they were, or was it all a lie? I was determined to find out.
I began by reading anything and everything I could find on the Internet. I
didn’t want people’s opinions, I wanted facts. I found an excellent website,
quotes.watchtower.ca. It had quotations from actual Watchtower publications that
could be looked up and verified. I was absolutely floored. The teaching about
1914 was not the first nor the only time the Watchtower Society had changed a
teaching! As a matter of fact, the “end times” date had been predicted numerous
times! Even though Jesus Christ Himself had stated that only the Father knew the
day and time, the Watchtower Society had taken it upon themselves to figure out
the date, calculating and recalculating, and coming up wrong each time. How
could Jehovah’s organization be so irresponsible? God couldn’t be pleased with
this. I read about the history of the Watchtower Society, how it had gotten
started, how they’d predicted the end of the world in 1925 to the extent of
buying a mansion in California which they called Beth-Sarim, to house the
“princes” such as Abraham, Isaac and Jacob when they were resurrected! Of
course, in the meantime it housed the president of the Watchtower Society,
Joseph Rutherford! None of this had ever been mentioned in our Kingdom Hall, nor
did anyone I knew know about any of this. The website was a thorn in the
Watchtower Society’s side, and they sued for “copyright infringement”, forcing
the website to shut down. My eyes were starting to open, and I was obsessed with
wanting to know more.
One name that came up in every website that I visited was Raymond Franz. I
vaguely remembered that in the early 1980’s there’d been a shake-up in Bethel,
the Society’s main headquarters in Brooklyn, New York. We’d heard that some
disfellowshippings had taken place because there were members who had become
apostates, but not much else was said. One of the members of the Governing Body
was removed for apostasy. There were not many details other than the fact that
in subsequent Watchtower magazines there were various articles about staying
away from those that employed “independent thinking”, reading the Bible on their
own and interpreting it their own way. It was emphasized that the only way to
understand the Bible was through the teachings of the Watchtower Society. This
was accepted by the members as truth from Heaven, and that was that. Now I found
that the Governing Body member that had been removed was none other than Raymond
Franz, the nephew of the then president of the Watchtower Society, Frederick
Franz, and he’d written 2 books, Crisis of Conscience and In Search of Christian
Freedom. The books recounted his findings about false teachings in the
Watchtower Society, the bureaucracy and dogmatism he’d experienced in the 9
years that he served in the main headquarters, and his subsequent removal. The
books were hailed as eye openers by the many who’d read them. I wanted to read
these books, but despite the fact that I’d been reading all this material and
day by day was realizing the falsehood of the Watchtower Society, I was afraid
to even hold the books in my hand. It had been hammered into our minds that this
apostate material came from the devil himself. What would happen if I read these
and it was all true? I knew it would be a point of no return.
It took me 4 months of deliberating before I dared order both books. I began
reading Crisis of Conscience as soon as I received it. At this point I was more
determined than ever to find out, once and for all, who the Watchtower Society
really is. As I read page after page of this man’s discoveries, seeing how so
many doctrines and dates were based on misinformation, quotes that were taken
out of context so that they refuted Watchtower doctrine, and injustices brought
against the members which were then reported as “persecution”, then when he
tried to make changes was swiftly booted out of the organization which he’d
dedicated 40 years of his life to, I found myself experiencing a gamut of
emotions like I hadn’t felt in years. I was confused, shocked, appalled, and
angry. I felt lied to and deceived. I’d been giving so much of myself to
something that was man-made and not from God. What was I to do now? I had spent
36 years of my life believing this to be the one and only true religion, and now
my belief system fell apart. Who could I believe?
I sat back and tried to think. I saw many websites of ex-JW’s who’d left the
organization only to become atheists or agnostics. I didn’t fall into that
category. My faith in God was intact; I didn’t believe that God was the problem.
It was the organization that was trying to take the place of God in its member’s
lives. My belief in the Scriptures was also solid. I fully believed the Bible to
be God’s inspired Word to us. But with so many religions out there, which one
was the truth? I thought about several Christians that I’d come in contact with
during those “dark” years that I’d been so separated from God. These people
displayed the love of Jesus in their lives. Their love was unconditional, like
the Bible states God’s love to be. What did they have that I didn’t have? They
went to different churches, belonged to different denominations, yet they all
seemed so united in their faith. It wasn’t at all like I’d been taught
Christendom was. Jehovah’s Witnesses believe that there is only one true
religion, and that everyone must believe the same thing. Anyone that teaches
something different from what the Watchtower Society teaches is quickly removed
so as not to spoil the rest of the congregation. How was I going to find that
one true religion among so many? For the first time in many years, I prayed. I
wanted God to show me what He wanted me to do. I felt led to start reading my
Bible. I’d acquired a Contemporary English Version and started reading the New
Testament. Whoa! There were things here that were totally different from what
I’d remembered reading in my New World’s Translation, the official Bible of the
Jehovah’s Witnesses and the only one they are authorized to use. But there was
no way I was going back to the Jehovah’s Witness Bible. I had read enough, from
Raymond Franz stating that the translators had some knowledge of Hebrew and
Greek but not enough to do the difficult translating of the Bible, to scholars
who pointed out error after error in the New World’s Translation, to know that I
wanted to find God’s truth in His true word, not a mistranslation. I remember
when I finished reading the Gospel of Matthew, I cried like a baby, realizing
for the first time just what Jesus had done for me. I’d always seen Jesus as
mean, grumpy, tired of dealing with disciples that didn’t get what He was
teaching and incredulous people who were trying to kill him. I’d failed to see
the loving Jesus who taught the masses and wanted everyone to be saved. It
wasn’t that this was not taught to us as Jehovah’s Witnesses. It had been the
base message of The Great Teacher book that I’d enjoyed so much as a child. But
for the most part Jesus was someone only the 144,000 could relate to. They were
the “anointed” ones that Jesus spoke of repeatedly. Everyone else was of “the
great crowd”, who just looked on and followed the “chosen ones”. As I read the
Gospels I realized there aren’t two groups of Christians. We are all loved by
Jesus, and He wants us all with Him. Why hadn’t I seen that before?
I felt changes happening in my heart. The more I read the Bible the more I
wanted Jesus in my life. I’d never thought that way. I was told that we could
only worship Jehovah, that Jesus was God’s first creation and was special
because He’d come to earth to give His life for mankind, but at the same time He
was Michael the Archangel, who could not be prayed to or worshipped. I was
getting a totally different message from my Bible reading. Jesus was my friend,
my brother, but He’s also my Redeemer, my King, my Savior. He was someone I
wanted to follow, someone I wanted to imitate, and someone I wanted to live my
life for.
I was in my car one day pondering all these things, and the radio station I was
listening to was telling raunchy jokes and making fun of people. I didn’t want
to hear this anymore and changed the station. The next station was just as bad,
and the third station was worse. I decided to put God to the test. I prayed out
loud: “Lord, I’m going to hit the scan button, and the first station that’s
playing actual music is where I’m going to stop, and I’m going to believe that
it is the station You want me to listen to.” So I pressed scan, and waited.
Music came on, and I stopped the scanning. It was a Christian radio station,
playing Christian music and teachings through different ministers. Was God
really answering my prayers? I listened daily to the songs and the messages in
them, and to the preaching from pastors from around the country. Everything they
taught was exactly what I was reading in Scripture! What church was this?
Surprising to me, they were from different churches but taught similar messages.
The base message was the same: Jesus died for our sins. We need to give our
lives to Jesus. We must ask for forgiveness of our sins, and ask Jesus into our
hearts. We need to be born again.
Yeah, well, I’d heard about born-againers many times when I was a Jehovah’s
Witness. They were supposed to be demon possessed, they claimed to speak in
tongues but only said bad words when they did, they played loud and obnoxious
music and didn’t have the truth like we did. Somehow, though, I got the feeling
that was a lie also. The music I was hearing was neither loud nor obnoxious; it
was filled with beautiful messages of praise. And the teachings made more sense
than anything I’d heard before. But I still wasn’t convinced.
Where was the truth? I needed the truth! Traveling in my car on my way home, I
asked God for the truth. At that moment a song came on the radio, “The Voice of
Truth” by a Christian band called Casting Crowns. The chorus of the song goes
like this:
The voice of truth tells me a different story,
The voice of truth says do not be afraid.
And the voice of truth says this is for My Glory,
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth.
That’s when it hit me. I was looking for the truth in a religion, in an
organization, in a place, when the truth is actually a person: Jesus Christ! I
understood at that moment what being born again meant. I knew why I needed to
ask Jesus into my heart. I did it right then and there, in my car, on the
expressway. I gave my life to Jesus. Instantly I felt an overwhelming peace like
I’d never experienced in my life. Jesus was with me! He would lead me from here
on! My journey to find the truth had led me to Him. As the Bible says in John
14:6 – “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life.” It was so clear to me now. Since
that day Jesus has led me to a wonderful church where the teachings are based
purely on Scripture, where the love flows unconditionally, where anyone and
everyone will gladly pray for one another, where forgiveness and mercy are
abundant. I’ve come to understand Grace, a word not found in the New World’s
Translation because it has been replaced with “undeserved kindness”. I know now
that the Lord shows me more than just undeserved kindness. He is Love, and I
feel loved by Him and by His Followers around me. He has also led me to several
ex-Jehovah’s Witness ministries which have blessed me and have also allowed me
to bless others who are seeking the true Jesus. My life is no longer empty, and
my future is the brightest it has ever been. I thank the Lord everyday for
taking me out of the darkness and bringing me into His Light.
Arlene |
